Monday, 17 December 2012

Belligerent Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states yet again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."

Preggo Sam

Samantha, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you... if its still okay..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, no... that's not it at all," Samantha confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

”Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

Airline Parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whiskey you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whiskey you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"